Hey, Let’s Just be Honest: Why We Struggle To Be Fully Honest With One Another
When we were kids, many of us were told it is not nice to answer someone truthfully if our answer could hurt their feelings. For example, if someone you didn't really enjoy being around asked, "Can I play with you at recess?" and you said, "no", that answer may have hurt that child's feelings, even though it may have been the truth. The result of your truthful 'no’; could cause that child to get upset and tell on you. The result is you would likely get in trouble from an adult "for being mean."
As humans, we eventually learn that we are responsible for how someone hears and interprets what we say. When we communicate, we have learned to sacrifice our happiness to keep others happy. Ultimately, telling our truth is often not ok or socially acceptable.
This learned behavior is often reinforced in our childhood and teen years. For example, one of my daughters recently shared with me that her friend was asked out by a boy, and even though he was a nice guy, she didn't like him more than just as a friend, so she said no. When she told her mom about what happened, her mom replied, "Oh honey, that was mean." Once again, being truthful was interpreted as mean. This young lady likely experienced guilt over believing she was responsible for hurting someone else's feelings.
Not Being Truthful Hurts Our Growth & Decision Making Skills
As girls become women, I often wonder how many women find themselves accepting sexual advances, not because they want to, but because they don't want to be seen and labeled as "mean" or hurting someone else's feelings?
How about teens who are offered drugs or are invited to participate in some potentially dangerous activity? There are several reasons they may choose to join in, one being the need to not offend or hurt anyone's feelings by saying no.
Then as adults, we still struggle to be honest. We may avoid answering a friend's question for fear of saying no. We may not respond to that email or avoid replying to that text because we fear our honest answer may hurt the person asking. We don’t want to be viewed as being “mean”.
Recently one of my friends, Lori, shared that she had a friend ask her to sign up to be a consultant in a multi-level marketing company. Lori knew from the start that she was not interested but feared telling her friend the truth. She agreed to go to the presentation in order “to be nice.” The longer she was there the more pressure she felt to sign up and support her friend “to be nice.” She eventually signed up for the product and spent money she did not want to spend, still not telling her friend the truth because she wanted to support her friend and did not want to hurt her friend's feelings. Eventually, she finally told her friend she wasn’t truly interested but it got to the point of her feeling resentful and of course, her friend was disappointed she was not honest from the start.
So, what do we do? How do we overcome this programming and begin to be more honest with each other?
How Can We Allow Ourselves To Live More Authentically With
No Guilt Or Resentment
First, we need to work on REFRAMING how we PERCEIVE telling the truth when we are either the giver of truth or the receiver of someone else's truth.
Steps To Authenticity With Others
First, we need to realize that if the person we share our truth with does not receive it well, this is not our responsibility. How could it be? There is no way we have control over the beliefs and past experiences through which another person hears and interprets what we say. We can't own their reaction.
When we say, "You hurt my feelings," that is actually not possible. No one can hurt our feelings without our permission. What was hurtful was our interpretation of what we heard.
Therefore the same goes when someone else says to us, “You hurt my feelings”. We didn’t actually hurt their feelings. Their interpretation of what we said upset them. We cannot control how the other person hears and interprets our truth.
However, we are responsible for how we deliver our truth.
Sharing Your Truth
When sharing your truth, here are some tips:
Share what you are observing: For example, you might say something like:
“I can hear and see that signing up for this business really excites you. It appears as this business will really meet your need to work from home and have flexible hours all while creating an income for yourself.”
*Once someone has felt heard, now the other person is much more open to not only hearing you but hearing you more accurately.
Thank them: “Thank you for asking me to join you. I appreciate you thinking of me.”
Avoid using BUT: When you thank someone and then use BUT, often whatever we say before the BUT gets negated in the other person’s mind. Try using AND instead of BUT.
Notice the difference between these two examples:
“Thank you for thinking of me, I really appreciate it BUT I am enjoying my job and other things on my plate and at this time, I don’t feel I have the time or desire to put the energy into this business venture that it would take to be successful.”
“Thank you for thinking of me, I really appreciate it AND I am enjoying my job and other things on my plate and at this time, I don’t feel I have the time or desire to put the energy into this business venture that it would take to be successful.”
Don't Own Their Upset:
In other words, don’t take their upset personally. If this person does not like hearing your truth and shares disappointment, now you can practice receiving the truth by not owning their upset. This is VERY challenging, as many of us already know very well. Most of us have been strongly programmed that we can hurt someone else's feelings. A huge amount of peace and freedom arises when we come to realize that yes we can be the trigger to someone else’s upset but not the cause.
Now living from our truth seems possible, with no guilt.
How to Receive Someone Else's Truth - Without Getting Upset
The steps to not feeling hurt when others share their truth with you that you don't enjoy hearing may start to seem more apparent now.
Don't Take It Personally: This is not about you. This is about someone else's interpretations, history, experiences, and needs.
Validate Their Feelings Instead of Owning Them: You can say something like, “I hear and understand this is really disappointing for you.” I find it easiest when I observe someone being upset like I am watching a movie. When I watch someone upset in a movie, I know it is not about me. This “observing” creates space for me to truly hear them rather than getting triggered by their emotions and then getting upset myself and possibly attacking back.
Avoid Defending Yourself: You have nothing to defend. Your truth is your truth, and people are allowed to be upset. Stay quiet and hold space for them to feel whatever they are feeling. Don't make excuses or try to rescue them. Allow the other person to just be in their feelings. Give him or her time to not take your truth personally.
Be Grateful For Their Honesty: Use the honesty that someone shares with you as an indicator of their need for a deeper connection. It is risky to share our truth with someone else. They took that risk with you. Even when someone else's truth is painful to hear, be grateful they shared it.
Stop Being A Victim: Don't allow yourself to believe the thought, "they hurt me." Remember, no one can hurt your feelings without your permission. When we blame someone else for our painful emotions, we now become a victim to them. Now the other has to apologize or change for us to be happy. We could be miserable for a very long time.
Receive Your Painful Feelings As A Gift: If you find yourself feeling sad or hurt after some shares with you honestly, instead of projecting your pain back onto someone else, use your discomfort to become more self-aware and self-empowered. Get curious over what is going on here. What is this pain, hurt, anger telling me about myself, and how can I begin to use this situation for greater self-realization and peace in my life and my relationships?
If All Else Fails, Take A Deep Breath…
When my kids want to tell me something that is true for them or answer my question honestly and they think I may have a hard time receiving their truth, they always start with “Ok. mom, take a deep breath…” I respond with “Ok thanks, hang on…” Then I take a deep breath and don’t open my eyes to listen until I feel fully grounded. They know never to start talking until mom smiles and says, “Ok go.”
I am so grateful that they do that because it allows me the time I need to use the strategies I shared above. It allows me time to remind myself that if I DO get upset (which is ok, I am allowed to feel whatever I am feeling) that I can verbalize to them that this is MINE. I am upset because of MY thoughts. I will often try to verbalize my thoughts out loud so they can practice not owning my upset. Now they are more equipped to not own other people’s reactions and upset when they share their truth with others.
Building Deeper Relationships
Here is the good news. If the person you told your truth to works through their emotions, accepts, and appreciates you valuing your relationship enough that you were completely honest and transparent, then great! You will not only stay friends, but your relationship will also deepen with trust.
If, however, the other person stays angry and doesn't want to speak to you - great! Good to know. You have just been spared out of a possibly dysfunctional relationship, a relationship based on "I will only be your friend if you do what I want you to do. Our relationship is based on you doing what makes me happy, and if you don't, I won't be your friend."
This is not a healthy relationship.
Don't Give Up On Your Relationship Too Soon
If, however, the other person is someone you are deeply committed to, such as a spouse, you will need to allow this sharing of a deeper level of authenticity time. Not owning your spouse's upset takes a great deal of patience, compassion, and practice.
I wonder how our future adults will handle sharing their truth if we stop teaching kids that sharing their truth is bad if it upsets someone? I wonder what our future adults would be like if we taught our kids how to stop being a victim of negative feedback from a peer like “I don’t want to play with you” and instead helped them use this information as excellent feedback, to use this information to self evaluate, to practice listening and possibly do some “friendship inventory” when a friend will only be a friend if you do what makes him or her happy.
Oh, how I wonder…
To tell you the truth, I think that it would be great.
Perhaps it would feel like being happy, even when it rains…
*Stay tuned for an upcoming future blog on teaching children how to share their truth and hear someone else’s truth in an empowering and positive relationship-building way.