Not long ago, I went to a parenting workshop at one of our local high schools. It was organized for parents of teenagers and tweens. I was looking for more insight into being the best mom I can be to our four kids. Two of my kids are in post-secondary, one in high school and one in grade 7.

I am always open to learning new skills and I keep striving for continuous growth for my family and for me as a parent.

The parenting workshop presentation was packed with information that reminded me of my child psychology lectures back in my undergraduate days. The first presenter shared the developmental stages children go through in things like emotional development, empathy, a child's understanding of time, ways in which we mature and deal with anxiety as well as our perception of ethics as we get older. She was giving the parents a sense of what is going on in our children's brains at various ages so we can understand why they may think and act the way they do. The second presenter was a child and youth counselor. She offered some practical strategies on how we may interact more effectively with our children, depending on what stage of development they are in.

Finally, my favourite part of the workshop arrived, the question and answer period. I always say this is the time when the "rubber meets the road." As a participant or as a facilitator, I love this part because it allows participants to learn how they can start applying the information from the workshop and put it into action.

As parents started raising their hands sharing their stories and asking questions, I set the intention of listening to the questions with deep curiosity and compassion. Everyone who put up their hand described painful stories of struggling with their teens. The questions seemed to revolve around one main goal...

How Do We Get Our Kids To Do What We Want?

I heard stories of homes that sounded like ongoing battlefields.

I heard parents asking in desperation for ideas on how to maintain control over their teenagers.

I heard parents confess some of the very aggressive and somewhat disrespectful steps they were taking to demand respect and to ensure their teenagers knew "whose roof they were living under."

It all sounded so confrontational. I noticed my chest felt heavy, and I needed to take several deep breaths to alleviate some discomfort I was feeling.

One parent raised her hand to tell the crowd a problem in her household. Then she asked the facilitator, "What should I do? What should my rule be on this?"

The facilitator did not offer a rule. Instead, she provided a question in return. She invited this parent to ask herself: "What are my values around this situation?"

The facilitator suggested that parents need to:

First, get clear on their values.

Second, role model the behaviour that is alignment with their values, and

Third, set guidelines and parameters in their home around their values.

The suggestion of getting clear on my values stuck in my head as I drove home from the workshop. I thought of some of the challenging issues I have faced with my teenagers — issues around schoolwork, chores, screen time, employment, drinking, friendships, and romantic relationships.

I asked myself, "What are MY values?"

What Are Values?

First of all, values are basic and fundamental beliefs that guide and motivate our attitudes and actions. Personal values are the things that are important to us. Some common values are achievement, dependability, health, honesty, independence, and kindness.

I found myself feeling uncertain and then troubled by my lack of clarity on what my values are.

Why was I struggling to know my own values?

Whenever I feel confused or need clarity, I get quiet and take a few deep breaths and open my mind up to receiving. What came up for me at that moment was that I was not certain which values were genuinely mine, consciously chosen by me, and which ones were my "default" values? In other words, which values came from my parents, extended family, religion, school, and the community in which I grew up, that I accepted unconsciously without question?

Still driving home, as I continued to ponder what my values are, I could suddenly saw generations of my ancestors passing down their values like a baton in a relay race. When the baton comes to you in the relay, you are expected to take it. That's just how it works. Most racers would not think to stop and ask questions about the baton and contemplate if they wanted to take it. Many of us just take the baton labeled "beliefs and values" and run with it and then, often without question or contemplation, we pass the baton onto the next generation.

Once we become parents, we all have moments where we find ourselves saying or doing things that remind us of our parents. Perhaps after we say something that our same-sex parent said, that thing you swore you would never say when you grew up, our spouse or other family members may point this out to us. We can deny it and defend ourselves, or we can get curious and ask, “Is this true? Could they be right?”

My experience is that we all parent the way we were parented, unless we consciously seek otherwise. It’s easy to keep the good stuff. Changing the not so good stuff takes great awareness and a desire and willingness to change.

Do You Want To Be Right or Do You Want To Be Happy?

Over the next few days, I kept thinking about the workshop and the many challenging stories I heard parents share. I heard most parents sharing from a place of needing to be right, needing validation, support, and more ammunition for the battle they would encounter once they returned home. I did wonder why as humans we often choose the need to be right over the need to be happy?

I wondered…

Where did we get this idea that we need to CONTROL our kids?

Why do we believe we need to police so many things they do?

Why we think we always need to know the right answers?

Why we believe we needed to do something to prevent their suffering?

Why we think we need to do something to rescue them from possible future suffering?

Why do we often fall into the trap of believing that we know what is best for them more than they do?

Could these be examples of values and beliefs being passed down through generations without conscious thought? For example, could this be about valuing Control? Competition? Competency, and Compliance (as an indicator of “respect”)?

Try Doing A "Values" Inventory

The next time you are upset about something your teenager does, (let’s take a milder example like leaving socks on their floor) ask yourself, what is my value around this? Do you truly value a neat and organized space? If so, how is your own space looking? If your space is not often neat and organized then perhaps you are upset because this was a rule that was inflicted on you, and you are consciously or unconsciously reacting as a parent or an adult from your childhood? Are socks on their floor really that important? Are you valuing organizational skills or compliance?

How about the need to make choices? Do you value the ability to make your own choices? Is it possible your teenager does too? Are the socks on the floor demonstrating your children’s value around choice - to choose for themselves when the socks will be picked up? Or how they keep their space?

I found when I stopped nagging about the socks on the floor, the socks eventually got picked up, or maybe I just don’t notice the socks as much anymore. I am guessing it is a bit of both. All I know is I get along much better with my children when I allow them to make choices about how they keep their space because I value making choices one how I keep my space.

Why Is There Often So Much Conflict With Teenagers?

There are many reasons why there can be a lot of conflict between parents and teens. By the time children reach teen years, there could potentially have been many years of painful habits and poor communication. Underlying the many reasons why there is conflict, I believe many parents continue to fall into the trap of believing good parents are the ones that have control over their children, perhaps just like they were controlled. I know over the years, as my children grew, it took a lot of effort on my part to let go of my need to control their behaviour and instead guide their choices and allow them to experience and learn from the resulting consequences.

As our young children all the way up to older teens, practice making decisions and living the consequences of them, they build trust in themselves and in doing so, they attain the skills and knowledge to navigate their own lives and the challenges that undoubtedly arise.

Turning Off Autopilot Parenting

Turning off autopilot parenting begins by waking up and getting conscious over what you truly value. Keep things simple. When conflicts arise, ask yourself, "What are my values around this?" Is this something I truly value? Is this something I role model? Is this something I want to set parameters around, or are my rules around this a result of values I accepted from previous generations? At the same time, ask and encourage your children to discover what they value.

One of the challenges many parents experience is allowing their children to hold values that are not their own, often resulting in their children making choices that they would not choose for their child or themselves. Give your teens the gift to allow them to discover what they value. Allow them to make choices around those values, live the consequences of those choices, and then support them as they possibly make some adjustments from the learning along the way.

When they arrive at adulthood, perhaps they will feel deep authenticity rather than feeling like they are living a life that was superimposed on them. They might not struggle to “find themselves” in adulthood because they already got to discover and be themselves in their early years.

When we get clear on our own values and role-model them it will help us to not pass down the "unconscious parenting baton" to the next generation. Be aware when you are holding on to the "because that is what was done to me" mentality and let it go. Instead, choose to allow your children to discover what values are important to them. This is much easier when we focus on our children and teens as fellow human beings rather than individuals we must control and mold in a certain way. It helps if we remember they are individuals who have the same needs we do, like love, respect, choice and the need to be heard.

And if all else fails, in whatever challenge you are facing in your relationships with your children, perhaps just start by listening...

We Parent The Way We Were Parented...Unless We Choose Otherwise