For our family Christmas holiday we did something we have never done before: we went to a warm sunny place over Christmas. It was a gift-less Christmas on the beach in Cuba. What a great time and what a powerful lesson on how experiences, particularly with family, are far more valuable than more material stuff.

When we returned back to our Canadian winter, my two youngest girls and I decided they could ask a friend to join us for a day of downhill skiing. What a great way to enjoy the cold and the last few days of the holiday. It was also nice to have our oldest daughter Evey, who was still home for university, and as well as my parents, join us.

Just as we were about to leave the ski resort, my youngest daughter, Grace and her friend decided to take one more run. During that last run, they decided to ski some fun jumps. As Grace went over the last jump, she fell, hearing a little snap as she landed and then pain. It did not take us long to realize this was going to require some medical attention. With her knee strapped into a makeshift sling, thanks to the attentive ski patrollers, we were off to the emergency room.

Keeping Our Minds in the Present Moment

With fear and tears welling up in her eyes, Grace kept asking me if her leg was broken. She repeatedly asked me what was going to happen. She asked several times why did this have to happen? She said numerous times she wished this didn't happen. All I knew was I needed to stay calm and not let my mind take over with painful thoughts and images of an unknown nightmarish future. I noticed I could easily stay calm when I just focused on the task that was in front of me at the moment. I just kept doing what I needed to do, one step at a time. I forced my mind to stay here with me rather than race off to visualize a scary future.

When we arrived at the emergency, we were soon fast-tracked through a room full of coughing patients. We were sent to x-ray, and after some waiting, we were told Grace had cracked the top of her tibia. They were uncertain of the ligament damage at this point, particularly due to all the swelling. She was fitted with a brace, sized up with crutches, and was scheduled an appointment to see a specialist the following week.

As I listened and watched a nurse give Grace instructions on how to use crutches, my mind was suddenly flooded with flashbacks and memories of the many times I was handed crutches during my child and teen years after various surgical procedures. Emotions started to rise, and once again, I needed to take deep breaths to bring myself back to this moment.

What did I need to do now in this moment? Get my daughter home. (Thank goodness Evey had been available to drive everyone else home and then come back and get us).

Then my mind raced off into the other direction: the future. What does this mean? She has done hours of dance classes as well as private lessons for her solo performance so far this year. Does this mean no dance competitions this spring? No skiing for the remainder of the year? No sports or other physical activities that she loves? For how long? Will she need surgery?

Challenging the Belief “It Could Have Been Worse…”

People's common responses to unexpected moments of "crisis" are often "It could have been worse."

I tried telling myself, 'It could have been worse', but thinking this only offered me a few short seconds of comfort. I have never found this strategy overly helpful. It feels so dismissive and invalidating of what I am presently struggling with. I almost feel guilty that I shouldn’t be upset because “it could have been worse.” Soon I was back managing my mind focusing on what DID happen. Our lives now had suddenly been put on a different (even if it was only slightly) unexpected path.

Once we arrived home, I started to think about inconveniences like how Grace's room is in the basement, and how she will need assistance with changing and bathing. Overlapping all my thoughts, I heard Grace repeating several times in anguish some sort of version of, "Why did this have to happen?”

“I was not supposed to get into an accident! I wish this never happened.” I just listened to her struggle to accept the reality of what happened, how she might not ski or dance this year. I did not insist it could have been worse. I did not predict that it likely wouldn't be that bad. I just nodded and listened, trying to hold space for her to vent out her worries with no resistance.

Visualize What You Want Rather Than What You Don't Want

Eventually, my silence was not what she wanted. She kept asking me what I was thinking? I told her I am visualizing you loving your knee and leg and healing it in record time. I am asking to be guided to all the resources and skilled people who can assist you in healing your leg. I suggested that rather than fearing the worst in her mind, how about visualizing the best possible outcome instead? (I was already working on this myself as my mind too kept falling into the trap of visualizing the worst instead of imagining the best).

What Happens When You Stop Arguing With Reality

After a couple of days, I noticed Grace had stopped saying, "This shouldn't have happened." I wasn't sure if it was because of acceptance, or she was silencing her mental anguish. I gently inquired by commenting on how I had noticed she was no longer expressing her upset over the ski accident. I told her that I was wondering how she was doing accepting all of the events over the past few days.

She shared with me something very powerful. Her words resonated to my core.

Grace said, "Well, I noticed that every time I said, 'This shouldn't have happened,' I got more upset and felt really sad. Then I noticed when I said, 'Well, this is what happened, so now I will focus on moving on from here’, I felt better. So I have decided I am just going to accept what happened and keep focusing on what I can do to heal as quickly as I can."

Wow, I got goosebumps, and I felt some dampness around my eyes. What wisdom. What freedom. What peace we experience when we accept the "is-ness" of the moment. Acceptance does not mean we are saying it is ok what happened. It is simply accepted that it did happen.

Of course, some may say, well, that's pretty easy, it is only a broken leg that will heal in a few weeks. In a few months, she should be back to her old self.

Yes, hopefully this is true, however, trauma is relative. In her world, this is a big deal.

Even if it was agreed that this is a "minor problem", if she is able to train her mind to accept something deemed "minor" like a broken leg, then someday, when something "major" occurs, she is already building the mental muscles and resiliency required to find peace within a hugely painful event.

A Strategy for Accepting A Painful Moment

I know I am arguing with reality when I hear myself saying something like...

Oh, why did that happen?

This wasn't supposed to happen!

I should not have done that.

He shouldn't have said that.

They should have known…

What was I thinking?

Why did I do that?

If only I had thought to… If only I had said… If only…

When I hear myself saying something along these lines and when I notice the pain that I feel after believing these thoughts that seem to flood my mind no matter what I do, I know I am arguing with reality. I am wishing what happened didn’t happen. Thoughts continually flood our minds. No one is free of this. It is our job to take charge of what we grab onto and believe when the thoughts arise.

When painful thoughts come and I want to argue with reality, I suffer.

So how do I pull myself out?

The first thing I do is notice my painful thought like,

"This wasn't supposed to happen."

Second, I state the opposite:

"It was supposed to happen."

Next, I ask myself,

"How do I know that?"

Answer?

"Because it did. That's the reality of it."

When I can take a deep breath and can be in a frame of accepting "this did happen," now I find my thoughts, words, and actions are far more helpful to me and others around me. Solutions often arise quickly, or a new path is shown to me that I would never have seen or experienced if it wasn't for the unpleasant event.

Finding the Gift Within Pain

I have often heard people share life challenging events and then add that somewhere along the line, that while in a state of acceptance, they discovered a gift within their pain.

So, did Grace find a gift from her ski accident? As much as she would rather receive gifts of insight in a less painful way, in her words, here is what she told me she has come to realize and accept from her ski accident.

First of all, I was already a person who tries to find the good in everything, so I think this helped me from the start.
It’s kind of nice not having to ride the bus. Being driven to school has been a nice change. (Thank you, Mom and Aunt Sylvie)
I have had several moments of enjoying my slower-paced schedule. Before the ski accident, I was dancing four nights a week. I just feel like my body was telling me to slow down, and now I have to listen.
The students in my classes are great. It has been nice how everyone has been understanding and willing to help me out throughout my day as I try to do stuff at school with crutches. This had been a chance for me to see how much my friends have my back.
Now that I have my evenings at home, we brainstormed things I could try that I otherwise likely wouldn't get to do with a busy dance schedule. Thanks to friends and family, I am learning how to knit and sew. I am also enjoying making puzzles along with the people who enjoy joining me.
Finally, this had been an opportunity to practice letting go of a story of what should have been. I have had a chance to practice not holding a grudge or being angry about what isn't going to happen this spring (i.e dance competitions) and still be happy no matter what.

I am so grateful for Grace's calm willingness to accept what has happened and enjoy the new, unexpected path she is on. She has been a beautiful role model for me. Her example has assisted me in living what I already know to be true, yet still often struggle to live, even in little unexpected upsets. It has helped me manage my mental dialogue...

“Grace’s ski accident wasn't supposed to happen!”

“Yes it was. How do I know that?”

“Because it did. That’s the reality of it.”

Amen to the peace of mind that comes with acceptance.

Thank you to "Amazing Grace" for reminding us of this.

Wisdom From A Child After A Skiing Accident