Do You Do This? Tips to Avoid Creating Conflict and Divisiveness
I have recently noticed some painful posts on social media that led me to write this blog.
What do these posts contain? Words of judgement and criticism of others, particularly with a message of negating a person’s upset and actions because someone else has it worse. Tragic examples of the turmoil that is created when we put our need to be right ahead of empathetically connecting to other people’s experiences and needs. It is an all too common occurrence that contributes to conflict rather than peace on this planet.
What do I mean?
First of all, I want you to imagine a moment when you are in a state of pain and, perhaps feeling very vulnerable, you share that pain with someone. But instead of responding with empathy, this person reminds you of someone who has it worse than you so “just be grateful” or you get a response like “It’s really not that bad” or they become angry with you for being upset as if your upset was not legitimate.
How would you feel now? Let me guess. guilty for having the feelings you expressed? Or perhaps angry because your pain was minimized or negated, and your need to be heard and understood was not met.
We all have our moments of emotional distress. When we are feeling something unpleasant, it is a sign that we have a need that is not being met. Needs are universal to all humans.
Needs like:
Choice
Recognition
Connection
Learning
Contribution
A sense of belonging
Shared understanding and
Love,
just to name a few.
We don’t all need them at the same time and to the same degree, but here is the thing about universal needs, we don’t choose them, they choose us.
For example, have you ever not wanted to be agitated that your efforts were not recognized but you were? Have you not wanted to feel sad from being excluded, but you did? Have you ever not wanted to be angry when you were not heard, but you were? Have you ever not wanted to feel resentful when your choices were taken away but you were? It is hard to ignore these feelings, isn’t it? But oh how we try! Distracting or consoling ourselves with thoughts like I need to sacrifice my needs for others while perhaps believing that it is not possible for everyone to get their needs met so therefore you and others must make sacrifices. Yet ignoring dismissing our needs can leave us bitter and resentful.
I have heard people express frustration over their need for choice not being met. Some people labeled this as a need for freedom. I have also heard people express their need for safety. These needs are all very real to the ones who own them. As I said before, we don’t choose our needs, they choose us. Ignoring our needs is like trying to push a beach ball under the water. It takes an incredible amount of energy to keep it down and no matter how hard we try, eventually, it will pop up. Over time, the exhaustion required to ignore, minimize or tolerate our unmet needs can lead to witnessing an explosion of troubling behaviours in ourselves or others.
When I witness someone experiencing an unpleasant emotion, I take a deep breath and get curious. If I don’t, I might slip back into our cultural default mode which goes something like this:
I find out why she/he/they are upset.
I judge the situation and decide if she/he/they are right and if they are entitled to their emotions.
If I judge that they are right, then I can now get upset with them as a way of showing support.
If they are wrong, I can then tell them all the reasons they are wrong (negate, invalidate or minimize) until they realize my opinion is the right one.
If she/he/they continue to be upset and do not agree with me, then I can get frustrated with or angry at them, ignore them or even possibly “unfriend” them.
Does this pattern sound familiar? Perhaps you have done this or do this to varying degrees? Perhaps you have had others do this to you to varying degrees? I know if I don’t take a deep breath, I can easily fall into some or all of this culturally common behaviour.
So how do we connect to others when they are upset? Especially if we disagree with them?
Remember, it often isn't always that we disagree with them as much as we disagree with the strategy they are choosing (for example: yelling, staying silent, leaving, staying, being honest, lying, being compliant, protesting…) to get their needs met.
Here are steps we can take instead to connect with others without agreeing or disagreeing with their strategies:
When we hear someone express upset, either in person or on social media, take a deep breath and get curious. If someone is experiencing an unpleasant emotion, that tells us there is a need not being met. Hmmm, what need could that be? We don’t need to be right in our guesses, just being open and curious is enough. Let’s use the example of a need for choice.
Now empathize. Have you ever had that need? In this case, have you ever experienced a time when your need for choice was not being met? How did you feel? Perhaps you can remember when you were a child? Many of us were not given the opportunity to make many choices for ourselves and therefore we can remember the feelings of frustration that accompanied that. Perhaps we chose strategies to get our needs met that our parents did not like. Even in our adult lives, I am sure we can think of many times we have felt a painful emotion when our need for choice was not met.
Try to stay connected to the other person’s NEED, not the STRATEGY being used to meet the need. Judging strategies is where all “war” happens. For example, if we think someone is upset over their need for choice not being met but we disagree and want to argue with the strategy they choose, like protesting, for example, now there is “war.” We can easily let the judging of the strategy distract us from making a connection with our fellow human beings who are clearly struggling in some way. Struggling with something that we all need in some aspect of our lives at various times.
Remember, we do not have to agree with the strategy people choose in order to empathetically connect to them and connecting with them empathetically DOES NOT mean you condone their strategy/behaviour.
Ok, so if we manage to empathetically connect to others, even when they are choosing a strategy we disagree with. Now what?
My experience has been that once I listen and acknowledge others’ feelings and needs, their emotions instantly shift. A sense of calmness begins to surface. Even if I can not meet their needs (which is not the goal - it is not our job to meet all the needs of others) simply by listening and empathizing, the strategy is often no longer required or another strategy is chosen that works better for those involved. It is amazing what happens when people feel heard and validated. It is amazing how quickly upset emotions and behaviours defuse. In addition, holding space for others when they are upset also allows them a chance to self-reflect. I have often witnessed people discover their solutions in meeting their needs during this time of self-reflection.
The strategies we use to get our needs met are not universal. Strategies are based on our beliefs and life experiences and that is something humans will never all have in common (therefore there truly is no such thing as “common sense”). We will never all agree on the same strategies at any given moment.
Negativing or criticizing others (particularly on social media) comes from focusing on the strategies people are using rather than their unmet needs. That is “war-making” behaviour that often amplifies the unwanted strategies of the other.
I would invite us all (myself included) to make it a practice to become more self-aware and observe ourselves during conversations. Before we speak, check-in. Are our words full of judgment (deciding someone else is wrong) or are empathetic? Before we post, are our words criticizing others, or is our message something that will potentially benefit all who read it?
Today, I invite you to take a deep breath, get curious and choose to contribute to peace on this planet. We need it now more than ever.
Namaste.