Humans have this incredibly interesting habit of creating separation over the need to be right. We can have such strong opinions as well as such a powerful need for others to agree with us, that we often create wars in our homes, our communities and between countries. For example, some might believe they are a fan of the right team, belong to the right organizations, belong to the right religious group, go to the right school, live in the right place, parent the right way, have the right sexual orientation, have the right marital status, have the right economic status, and/or are living in the right environmentally friendly ways. More recently the topic creating huge separation around the world is about how to address police brutality and racial injustices.

You may only be able to connect with one or two examples above but what we can all relate to is a deeply-rooted desire to be doing and believing the right things. In turn, we then spend much effort making sure others are believing and doing the same or at minimal, we spend time being disgusted over those who are clearly wrong.

So much anger and arguments are occurring around the world over the need to educate others on what they should be or should not be doing. There is a lot of “needing to fix others” going on. This needing to fix others creates separation. Separation is the great evil. It is far more damaging than any of the situations or people we are trying to fix.

Now humans have created a new divisive topic:

MASKS!

Should you wear a mask or should you not wear a mask?

I have seen numerous social media posts containing anger over people not wearing masks and why they should. In addition I have over heard or listened to others explain to me with passionate anger why everyone needs to be wearing a mask.

I have seen numerous social media posts containing anger over why individuals will not fall for political control, why masks are harmful or explaining the latest conspiracy theory.

There appears to be endless evidence from people with high credentials from scientific and medical backgrounds being quoted to support both sides of this argument. Once individuals decide which “team” is RIGHT, many not only publicly declare which team they are on, but some continue to criticize the people who have chosen the opposite side.

All in the name of being right.

Once again, we have found another way to create war. We have found another way to create separation among ourselves.

A Life Changing Question

I clearly remember the first time I was asked this priceless question that forever changed the way I perceived my life…

“Do you want to be right or do you want to be happy?”

My experience is, we can’t have both. This is an either/or question.

Being right in this context is that “being right” which feeds our ego. That “being right” which makes us feel superior to others, especially those ill-informed or ignorant people who have it wrong. “Being right” in this context never brings happiness. It only brings the inevitable exhaustion of continually finding proof to counter argue new arguments brought up by the other side, exhaustion to continually talk over top of others, unable to listen to anyone with different opinions (why bother as they clearly have it wrong) and to continually save people from the error of their ways. This is completely and utterly draining. For some reason, humans continually sign-up for this exhausting behaviour.

Of course many people are sharing their “rightness” with good intentions. Most people sincerely have other people’s best interest in mind. I remember when I did this chronically. I would desperately need to inform others of what I thought they needed to know, truly believing I was rescuing them. I eventually came to discover two very important facts that have helped me to almost eliminate (old habits take conscious effort to break) my painful habit of seeking “rightness” and saving others.

No one can hear you if they are not asking. Sure they may physically hear you, but my experience is people truly don’t process what you are sharing unless they are seeking the information, unless they are trying to solve a problem or make changes in their lives. Otherwise they either can’t hear you, misinterpret you or believe you see them as wrong, bad or they believe you think you are superior to them.
“Let me fix you so I can feel better about myself.” Once I was brave enough to go within, I realized that my sharing was also about the pleasure I received when I thought I had “fixed” the other. It took a very long time before I was able to not only discover this, but to admit the truth in it.

Down deep, there is a part of us called the ego, and the ego loves being right, loves fixing others and is fixated on seeing separation.

When we stop perceiving others as wrong or needing fixed, we can now BE with them. When we no longer need to decide if they are on the right team, then we can truly listen to them. When we can stop seeing the other as broken, there is nothing to fix. When we stop focusing on differences, we can now see similarities. When we stop focusing on separation we can connect with others and begin to see ourselves in the other. We see others having struggles, feelings and needs, just like us.

My experience is our habit of creating separation is our “autopilot” setting. It is what we do unless we consciously decide to ask to see “oneness”, to see the other with empathy, love and understanding.

Do you find yourself judging others on what they are wearing? What their house looks like? Hair style? Partner? Their children’s behaviour? The religion they belong to? What foods they are choosing to eat or not eat? Their skin colour? Their beliefs on homosexuality? Their thoughts on racism? OR..

If they are wearing a mask or not?

Don’t feel bad. We judge. That is what the human mind does. Our primitive minds need to judge in order to feel safe. i.e. is this person responsible? Can I get in his car? Is the weather good enough to drive? Will I be warm enough in this? Is this food good for me? This is not a blog to make you feel bad that you judge others. The intention is to be more aware of it so your judgements are not causing you or others around you pain.

For example, there are many judgments we make every day that are not about keeping us safe, they are about needing to be right. When we don’t stay conscious of our judging, when we don’t stop and question our minds, we suffer.

Are you struggling with the “mask or no mask” argument? Do you struggle when others don’t believe and do what you do?

Do you struggle with a need to be right that seems to sabotage your ability to be happy?

The Fear Of Being Judged As a Parent

This human habit of painful judgments and seeing separation appears to be at the foundation of our parenting struggles as well. Once we become a parent, whether we like it or not, there are things to decide upon that often creates separation amongst our friends and family members:

Breast or bottle?

Disposable diapers or cloth?

Soothe the baby to sleep or let them cry it out?

Stay home full time or daycare?

Public school, private school, or homeschool?

Competitive or recreational?

The list goes on...

It seems like whichever “camps” we join in, there is always someone who will offer their concern or unwanted advice on the latest research or what some celebrity expert just advised us to do.

Are you looking for ways to not be in self-doubt when it comes to your parenting decisions? Worried about being wrong? Exhausting yourself trying to get it “right”? Bothered by those comments and judgments from those who join the opposite camp as you? Feeling depleted trying to keep your kids thinking and behaving “right?”

There is a way to free yourself from the stress of choosing either-or. There is a way to let go of the need to be right and choose happiness instead.

Ready to experience a peaceful state of mind as a parent?

Ready to contribute to peace not war?

Contact me. Let’s talk.

Why Do WE Keep Doing This?